We have reached a point in our society where action needs to be taken. We can no longer stand pat and accept the status quo, as the status quo will lead us into rebellion. Rebellion with each other, with our government, with the world. We cannot allow this to happen as we will lose our way of life, our lives, and our future.
Just as we take away the toy that causes dissension between two toddlers, the time has come for us to take something away from you since nobody here knows how the fuck to get along with each other. Taking the toy away from the toddlers teaches them to 1. appreciate the gift in which they have been given, and 2. teaches them to play nice with each other. For these reasons, the time has come for you all to have your gift taken away until you can appreciate the gift and learn to play nicely together.
From here on out, there is NO MORE FREEDOM!
You heard me. There is no more freedom because you all clearly forgot what freedom means. You all think that freedoms apply to you but not anyone that disagrees with you. You think freedom means you get your way of life and fuck everyone else if they choose to live their life differently. In other words, you all fucked up freedom.
Starting immediately, the following reforms have been made:
1. You no longer have the right to protest. Sorry. The founding fathers meant well when they gave us the right to protest. It was intended as a way for the people to stand up to government and demand change. Unfortunately, recent protests have demonstrated that the right to protest only works when every single fucking person in the country is in agreement. Since we are not in agreement and since protesting has only served to cause greater division within the citizens of this great country, which has led to violence and the denial of basic human rights, you no longer have the right to protest. Sorry, if you have a problem with this country, shut the fuck up and deal with it. Whatever laws we pass regarding guns, civil rights, welfare reform, or immigration...you have no voice.
2. Speaking of...guns are a hot topic in our country right now. Half of you think guns are the reason for the fallout of society and the other half think guns will save our country. Since none of you can let people live their own fucking lives and feel the need to legislate what people should accept, changes need to be made. That said, upon the birth of every child, a gun will be issued in their name. What you or your family does with that gun is up to you. Figure the only solution is to give everyone a gun and let them decide for themselves what the want to do with it.
3. Depending on who you ask, the police are either mass murderers of black people or heroes that save lives and keep order. Such division makes it very difficult for cops to do their job. Going forward, in an effort to ease everyone's mind, there are no more police officers. By getting rid of police officers there will be no more confusion as to whether cops kill or cops save. Instead, you can use your newly issued guns to police yourselves. May luck be ever in your favor.
4. The issue of racism is a no-brainer. DON'T FUCKING DO IT! But since so many of you are stuck in the 1800's and fail to recognize the value of every life, the only logical thing to do is to get rid of race altogether. Now, that seems impossible considering we can't change everyone's pigmentation so I will assign a task force to research how we can change all of our pigmentation to purple. In the meantime, every man, woman, and child will be required to wear a burka from head to toe. That way, you wont know if you're talking to a cracker, spic, nigger, jap, or raghead. Instead, you'll just have to trust the person you're dealing with based on their own character.
5. Now, we cant just outright ban abortion, otherwise half the country will claim victory. Nor can we keep it legal because opponents will continue to lose their shit knowing other people are making decisions that have no direct affect on them. That said, there is no more sex! Sex leads to pregnancy and pregnancy leads to a decision that will ultimately piss off half the country, no matter what you decide. If you decide you want to have sex, you can petition your local government for a waiver with the understanding that, if sex is not for procreation, you will have a vasectomy or have your tubes tied.
6. I have seen many online comments condemning the military for murdering women and children (men are seemingly okay). Going forward, military will now turn in all weapons that cause death and, instead, we will arm our military with slingshots and boomerangs. Think of all the money we save. As well, regardless of your beliefs, we are no longer a voluntary service. Instead, every person will now serve in the military. Leave your government issue gun at home.
7. Since much of our disdain for each other stems from the irresponsible manner in which the media reports the news, the manner in which filmmakers portray other ethnicities, and the shows that glorify violence and sex, effective immediately, all forms of media will be banned and the reporting of news will be handled by the government. Gangsta rap is now a felony, as is Country music. Pop music should have been banned decades ago.
8. There will be a new national anthem that praises the KKK and BLM so that nobody and everybody can have an issue with it. Doesn't matter, you cant protest. Instead, you will be required to stand with your hand over your heart and a fist in the air. Failure to do so will be seen as a protest and you will be shot on site.
9. Based on the hatred and vitriol seen all over the internet, as well as porn, which, depending on who you ask, is the downfall of civilization, the internet will be shut down. If you want information on any topic, go to the damned library and look it up. If you don't know what a library is, look it up on Dictionary.com. Wait, no more internet. Well, good luck with that.
10. Since you all think freedom of speech only applies to you, and anyone that says something you don't like should be silenced, we're just going to go ahead and silence all of you. No more freedom of speech! We will provide you with a list of acceptable phrases to use, as well as a list of ways you should feel about our great country. Effective immediately, shut the fuck up.
11. Apparently religion only leads to death. Never mind the missionaries stationed all over the world teaching kids to read, building fresh water wells, and helping to grow crops, its clear we cannot handle different religions in this country. Instead of banning all religions, we are going to simply mix them all together and create a single religion that you all must follow. Good luck figuring that shit out.
Also banned are the following:
- Emotions
- Free thinking
- Cracker Barrell
- Food options
- Job choices
- Education
- Any dog that has teeth
- Flags
- Open highways
- Public parks
- Freedom to move between the states
- Thoughts
- Man buns
- Mullets
- Pumpkin Spice anything
- Uggs with shorts
- Twerking
- Farmers Markets
When you all have figured out how to play nicely you can have your freedom back. Until then, welcome to North Korea.
Fuckers!
So.. capital punishment? Since there are no police... can I be the judge jury and executioner? I promise I won't enjoy the job... lol. Great post brother!
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