Letter to the Sexes: First up, MEN!

I'm a goddamned Warrior!!!

Dear Men!

Notice I used an exclamation point? It's because we are MEN!!! We pee standing up, we're killers and fighters; we fart, burp, and laugh with aggression! We are strong-like-bull, we fix shit with our tools, and we drink beer and liquor while smoking a cigar! Fuck yeah! We're goddamned warriors!


Well, at least thats what all these new-fangled "Mens Groups" will try to tell you, and they're not wrong. Its true, centuries have passed and the one constant has been that men are aggressive, violent, protectors, providers, and, yes, warriors. Thing is, unlike in centuries past, woman have become quite the warriors, as well.



I recently became a member of a men's group on Facebook. Not because I don't know how to be a man; but rather, being a man is confusing in today's world and sometimes you just need to gauge what other guys are going through. It's true, we are warriors and have proven it time and time again, but how can we be warriors in 2018?

I won't mention the name of the group for a couple reasons. Number one, the leader of this group,  "Brian," is a bit of a narcissist who said, when I challenged him on his views, that I can either get on board or get the fuck out. Apparently one-sided ultimatums without the benefit of dialogue is deemed manly in his world. Mind you, this guy is publishing a book and is starting to market t-shirts and other schwag, so "getting on board" is vital to his financial success.

The other reason is that it provides me with good material. Guys flock to this page because it reaffirms their manliness in a world that seems to be stifling masculinity. I get that, but really it's just a bunch of men bitching about their problems and getting advice from other men, which is fine until you realize you're getting advice from a conservative Christian, a hippy, two rednecks, five hipsters, and one old fucker. Yeah, good fucking luck with that advice.

The other type of guy on this page wants kudos for being a great man, but, in reality, they're simply doing what the fuck they are supposed to do! "Doing the right thing" is a pretty simple concept. In every situation, there is the right thing and the wrong thing. Knowing what to do is pretty goddamned simple considering the answer is right fucking there! Why do we insist on making everyone know how awesome we are when all we are doing is what we're supposed to do?

"Hey mom, look at me! I cleaned my room," says the child. "Can I have ice cream now?"

"Fuck no, junior! You're supposed to clean your room! I'm not going to gift every goddamn person that does the right thing! I expect them to do the right thing," responds the mother that probably shouldn't use such vulgarities around a child.

Too harsh? 

Okay, so these so-called "men's groups" are misguided. They want to reinforce our role as men as protectors of the week, champions of our strength, hunters of prey, and cockstrong moral authority, without telling you how to go about doing it in today's society. In other words, they forgot to do one thing....

ADAPT!

Sure, back in the day society needed men to guard the gates and hunt for food and all that other hardcore shit, but today's society is different. Today's society employs men and women alike to guard the gates. Today's society grows crops and raises livestock to feed the masses. Today's society allows most men and women to protect themselves with guns and canons and shit. Me? I have a gun and a 100 lb American Bulldog. If I were an intruder, I'd pray for the gun.

In other words, today's society has less need for the man of yore. So what becomes of man? We have no prey to hunt, no enemy to kill, no villages to pillage, no women to protect...we are lost! Where do we go? What do we do? (insert whining about men being womanized)
Yes, these are cries I have heard (read) on these "men's group" pages, but all that does is serve to make men believe they are weak, and believe they have no outlet for their testosterone, but the truth is, men aren't thinking hard enough. They're relying on brawn instead of their brains. No wonder women think men think with their dicks. Don't like the perception? Then change it, asshole.

SO, in the interest of progress and alleviating all the cries of my fellow man, below you will find a handy little guide to how to be a man in 2018, while still maintaining our warrior DNA.

1. STOP FUCKING RAPING WOMEN! Yes, I know not all of you are raping women. I'm certain most of you aren't raping women. This is for the rapers.

Let me ask you, how would you feel if a dude bigger than you came up and forced his dick in your ass, or shoved it down your mouth? Is that cool? He's stronger than you and more successful than you, so isn't it his right to fuck you if he wants?

Better yet, imagine your daughter, sweet little Janie whom you met when she first saw the light of day. You raised her, giggled at her antics, played dress up with her as she hosted a marvelous tea party in the back yard. You gave her driving lessons and laughed when she screwed up so she wouldn't get too down on herself. You shipped her off to college knowing you raised her well. You worried, but trusted she would make good decisions.

Now imagine some dude takes her behind a dumpster and rams his cock inside her over and over as she begged and pleaded for it to stop. She screams for her daddy but you aren't there to hear her cries, so it continues.

Still think raping women is okay? Yeah, knock that shit off, asshole. DO THE RIGHT THING!

2. STOP HARASSING WOMEN! Stop sending dick pics! Yes, us men like looking at boobs, pussies, and asses, but that's us, not women! You know what women like? Me neither...but from what I'm told, they are more attracted to a man's brain, sense of humor, ability to communicate, spontaneity, tenderness, empathy, ....fuck! Everything BUT a picture of your dick.

(Besides, have you seen a dick? They're not that great looking. Seriously, God spent all his time and budget on building women into the beautiful beings that they are, ran out of time and patched together a dude on a shoestring budget and leftover parts. I'm convinced the ballsack was made out of leftover elbow skin).

Also, we live in a day and age where even an innocent overture can be unwanted, like a simple hug. That sucks because I like to hug. As well, locker room talk isn't relegated to just the locker room. It happens in the office, at the restaurant, everywhere. I get it, it's fun to talk about inappropriate things.

Thing is, while some women will let you know what is inappropriate, not all will do the same. I've been in countless situations whereby women are participating in the shenanigans, only to later complain about the behavior. It's the old bait and switch! Regardless, when it comes down to it, you'll be in the wrong. Fucked up, sure, but at the same time, maybe they felt compelled to play along out of fear of being ostracized. Who fucking knows? At the same time, some women just suck. So in the interest of saving your own ass, instead of trying to decode the cipher, simply follow one basic rule. You ready? Here it goes. IF YOU AREN'T SURE THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT!

3. CONTINUE TO FIGHT! Just because our society is different now than it was a century ago where the ability to fight was necessary, that doesn't mean we cant continue to fight, but instead of using your brawn, use your brain. There is plenty to fight in the world. Fight racism, fight sexism, fight "the man," fight your local politicians, fight the school board for better curriculum, fight gun laws, fight the homeless epidemic, fight to ensure all veterans are provided for, fight for whatever goddamned cause is important to you, because if you arent willing to fight for it, then it must not be that important. (Except HOA's. Don't fight them...goddamned gestapo!)

Or go shooting on the weekend, go hunting, join an MMA gym...I don't know, just get it out of your goddamned system.

4. CONTINUE TO PROTECT! Women now have the ability to protect themselves. I know many women with guns that they are prepared to use, but that doesn't mean you still cant protect people. How can you call yourself a man while standing idly by as someone is being harassed. What kind of protector is that? There are plenty of people in the world that need protecting. Are you part of a group that helps abused children? Homeless? Veterans? No, than sit down and shut the fuck up about how men are protectors. Until you actually start protecting something, you're full of shit. 

5. KNOW YOUR LIMITS! One of the biggest mistakes I see men make is taking on more than they can handle. Look, we are all different. Some of us are good at some things while sucking at other things. I'm great at writing and telling jokes, but if you need me to change out a transmission, I'm fucked. Know your limits and be fine with not knowing shit.

6. GET SOME GODDAMNED THERAPY! Jesus-fucking-Christ I cant tell you how many times I've seen men post about how "there aint no way I'm telling a stranger about my problems." Get the fuck over it, asshole. Who else is going to help you resolve your shit, and trust me, you have a lot of shit that needs to be resolved.

Me? I had abandonment issues because my biological father bailed on me when I was young, I was molested by another dude. I was codependent. All these led me into a life of bullshit problems that peaked when I lost all custody of my daughter. Guess what? I got some damn therapy and those issues got resolved. Know what happened? Life got good and I started making good decisions.

So get the fuck over yourselves and get some help, because sure as fuck, what you've been doing up to this point isn't working, even if you think it is. Trust me, you got issues and you're leaving people in your wake as you Forrest Gump your way through life.

7. BE ACCOUNTABLE! How many men do you know that never admit wrongdoing? Surely you know a shit ton of men like this, but ask yourself how often you're wrong. If your answer isn't "all the damn time," then you have accountability issues. I'm not saying we're always wrong (despite what your wife might say), but the likelihood is that we fuck up and make bad decisions somewhat regularly.

If that's the case, then own up to it. I always believed you cant argue with someone that agrees with you, so if you fuck up, admit it and genuinely vow to do better. Instead, most men, women too, will argue and cuss and scream until the bitter end just to be right. Let me ask you, what does "being right" do for you? Gives you the satisfaction of being right? Great, never mind that everyone around you thinks youre an asshole.

 8. QUIT TRYING TO PROVE YOUR MANLINESS! Do you have a dick? Great! You're a man! (Let's skip all the identifying-as-a-different gender stuff for now). You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. Do you like talking about your feelings? Then do it. Do you like to bake? Then fucking cook! Do you like to hunt? Then goddamnit, be the best damn hunter you can be. Are you gay? Then be gay. Just live your goddamned life without fear of what another man thinks of you, because, ultimately, all men are competitive and you're always going to suck in his eyes.

There is no 'King of all things Manly," that decides what is manly and what is not. The only authority to determine your manliness is you! Fuck the gym rats that put their muscles on display and their judgment over your inability to bench 200 lbs. Fuck the camo-clad, diesel driving, redneck and his views on what is manly in this world. Nobody gives two shits about that crap. Surround yourself with people that love and respect you for who you are and stop caring about what is manly.

I don't even know this guy and I don't like him

9. STOP BEING SEXIST! Hate to tell you, dudes, but aside from physical genetics, women can pretty much do anything we can do now, and soon enough, they'll be in charge. How do I know that? Well, consider there are more women working than men right now, as well as the fact that there are more women enrolled in college than men right now. We aren't talking about women wanting to become nurses and teachers and therapists, we're talking about women going into science, technology, engineering, mechanics, doctors, attorneys, politicians, LEO's and other industries that will soon own your ass so long as you continue to see them as less than you simply because of your three inch pecker and dad-gut.

10. STOP BEING DICKS! Trust me, it's not impressing anyone.


If you, as a man, made it this far, I commend you. It's never easy realizing that we, as men, have to adapt to an ever changing society. I warned you, women are taking over. They've stepped away from being treated like property, they're speaking up and speaking out about our assholery. You can fight it or you can adapt to it. Your call.

Oh! and don't worry. A letter to the women is coming...