Sex is Violent!

In 1994, the movie 'Natural Born Killers' came out, whereby Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis play a couple that goes on a murderous spree.  Along the way, Juliette Lewis' character offers herself to an innocent looking gas station attendant who she heartlessly murders after fucking him on the hood of a car.  During this scene, the song 'Sex is Violent' by Porno for Pyros is playing in the background.  The song is perfect for this scene as it starts off slow and melodic and ends strong and reckless...much like sex often goes. This song reminds me of something that happened to me, or rather, to my muse, a few years back. 

I met up with her outside of Breckenridge in the fall. We spent the day hiking and took turns taking pictures of nature, of each other, and countless selfies with the backdrop of the snow capped peaks behind us.  We sampled whiskeys, browsed through countless boutiques, and ate lunch at a pizza joint. Everywhere we ventured was done hand in hand. We stole kisses as we sat in a crowded coffee house, oblivious to everyone around us. Soon enough, evening approached and we headed back to the cabin for one last embrace.  In the late afternoon I laid her down and kissed her gently, caressing her entire body.  We were soon lost in each other.  It was beautiful. 

Our pace picked up.  Our rhythm increased! Our dance became fast and intense! Sweat began to form between us! Our positions changed! We changed positions again, and again! Our sex had become selfish as we were truly interested only in our own selfish gain, knowing that no matter what we did, the other person was truly engaged.  Pleasures intertwined and we feverishly consumed each other.

We got into a position...me on my knees but leaning back, her atop me, straddling me, all her weight on me as we went at it! The moment of ecstasy is approaching! Here it comes! Here it comes! I lean further back, she leans back! And with a fury my moment has come! The incredible and amazing feeling of finishing forces me to lurch forward as she lurches forward upon reaching her own nirvana! We come together in the middle as my chest connects with her and her face connects with...my shoulder!  THUD!

With a loud scream she collapses in front of me!  Her lifeless body curled up in the fetal position. She's covering her face and crying.  What the fuck did I do? I reach down to see whats wrong and all I see is blood coming out from her hands.  

"You broke my nose!" 

"Holy shit!" I say with concern and amazement and fear.   

Fear, because as a man, the last thing you want to hear a woman say is, 'you broke my nose."  I fucked her to the point that she now has to go to the hospital! I sent my conquest to the hospital. Holy shit, the hospital! She has to go to the hospital! What the fuck have I done? Im fucked.  

Panic sets in as I drive her to the Breckenridge emergency room. Worried with every passing pine tree. You see, she was a petite woman compared to my 6', 200 lb frame. She is demure and classy and I have a shaved head, chin beard, and tattoos. She is wearing pink velour sweats and a baby tee. I am wearing torn jeans and a ratty v-neck black t-shirt with black combat boots. She has a delicate gold bracelet and I have a thick leather strap wrapped in chains around my wrist. Seeing her walk into an ER with a broken nose and me right beside her is not a good scene.    

We approach the front desk of the ER and you can already see the nurses begin to stir about.  "What! Happened?" said the clearly suspicious nurse. My date, being as classy as she was and embarrassed by the truth, says, I shit you not, "I ran into a door." 

Holy mother of fucking hell shit and damnations! Are you shitting me??? Everyone knows "I ran into a door" is femalese for "this asshole just beat my ass can you call the cops please  and can you separate us because Im scared and if you could also get me a Grande Double-shot, non-fat, soy vanilla latte, that'd be great, hon."   

As if the nurse is going to believe that in all your years on this planet, 90% of which have been spent walking and operating doors, that you, somehow, forgot everything you know about basic door operation.  In no scenario can I see anyone breaking their fucking nose by running into a door.  Picture in your head someone running into a door...pretty fucking retarded isn't it? I mean, you have to intentionally try to run into a door in which your nose hits first! All I know is I'm fucked.  

I plead with her, "Please, tell the nurse the truth," but even then, I just sound more fucking guilty.  Its like when someone accuses you of being an alcoholic.  Anything you say after that just makes you sound like more of an alcoholic. Now the nurse is looking out the corner of her eyes at me while the nurse behind the desk picks up the phone and her little lackey runs into the back. Fortunately, my date sees the commotion she has caused, looks at me and sees the desperation in my eyes, looks back at the judgmental nurse, lowers her head, bangs covering her eyes, a quiet fills the room and all eyes on her, she manages to say, "We were having sex."  

All three of the nurses start to laugh through their nose while a couple sitting nearby didn’t give a shit and, literally, laughed out loud.  The old lady with a disgusting cough let out a "hmmph!" While some guy behind me shouted out, "Atta boy!" This made me laugh, too. Meanwhile, my date tried in vain to hide behind more of her hair and the hoodie she carried in.  Now that everyone knew I went to high-five the nurse.  Yeah, too soon. 

We leave the emergency room a little while later. I walk her to the car, open the door for her, put the seat belt around her and put David Gray on the stereo, all without saying a single word to each other. As we wound through the mountain roads and noticed the changing color of the leaves, I thought back to the days activities and the romance in the air. I thought about the amazing sex. I looked over at her and saw her blackened eyes and the ice on her nose and...well, in all honesty, I laughed my ass off. Holy shit! Could a romantic day end any worse? 

We didn’t see each other much after that weekend.  I followed her facebook for a few days just to see how she would explain her broken nose but nothing more.  We talk every so often and her broken nose always comes up. Regardless of what the future holds, all I know is that she will never forget me.   

As for me, I now keep a couple helmets next to my bed.   

ADVICE FOR WOMEN: When your extracurricular bedroom activities results in an injury, for the sake of the man you are with, tell the damned truth!  

ADVICE FOR MEN: Yeah, I got nothing,  HIGH-FIVE!!!