Letter to the Sexes: First up, MEN!

I'm a goddamned Warrior!!!

Dear Men!

Notice I used an exclamation point? It's because we are MEN!!! We pee standing up, we're killers and fighters; we fart, burp, and laugh with aggression! We are strong-like-bull, we fix shit with our tools, and we drink beer and liquor while smoking a cigar! Fuck yeah! We're goddamned warriors!


Well, at least thats what all these new-fangled "Mens Groups" will try to tell you, and they're not wrong. Its true, centuries have passed and the one constant has been that men are aggressive, violent, protectors, providers, and, yes, warriors. Thing is, unlike in centuries past, woman have become quite the warriors, as well.

Letter to My Daughter

Dear BG,

I heard Nana found you on Instagram. I heard you got upset with her for contacting you. So much so that you questioned her and blocked her. Nana told me you were upset about something she said a couple years ago. I'm sorry that you are upset with her for mentioning me, but understand, she was only trying to cheer you up. If you recall, you were telling her how upset you were about your birthday party, or better put, the lack of the birthday party you wanted. You see, nobody is allowed to so much as mention my name without fear of recrimination in the form of not being allowed to talk to you ever again, so Nana had no idea how you felt about me. She knows how I feel about you and thought you might be consoled by knowing that I love you. In other words, she was only trying to help. Had she known that by telling you that I loved you would result in never being able to talk to you again, you have to believe she never would have said a word.

I ask that you please forgive her for her single act of betrayal, for her single statement, and recognize that she loves you so much. You may not want anything to do with me, and I have to accept that, but please don't shut her out. She loves you so much and wants to see how your life is progressing. She has called numerous times and left your mom numerous messages, to no avail. You'd think that she would give up trying to contact you, but she perseveres, hoping that one day you two can talk. Again, she was only trying to help. Trust that she now knows the rules and will never mention my name again.

With love,
Daddy

My Anjelah Johnson Moment

If you haven't seen it yet, Anjelah Johnson, a stand-up comic, has a bit about her experiences in getting a manicure. Please watch before continuing on.

As you can see, she's absolutely hilarious in describing how she simply went in for a basic manicure; however, the manicurist, who is clearly Asian, keeps talking her into more services. The manicurists delivery is so nonchalant and convincing that Anjelah simply has to agree and her bill continues to go up.

I tell you this because, as a man, I couldn't relate. I had one manicure in my life but, as a man, polish and extensions were clearly not an option so the manicurist didn't even present any options. My only experience was a simple in-and-out process. No big deal and no upselling. That is, until today...

No, I didn't get a manicure; but rather, I went in to get my beard trimmed for an upcoming job interview. In all previous beard trims, I simply told the barber what I wanted, he/she complied, I gave them money, they thanked me, and I left. However, today was a little different.

Me: "Yes, I'd like a trim and if you could shape it that would be great."

Her (asian): "Trim and shave, no problem."

Me: "No, trim and shaPe!"

Her: "Yeah yeah, trim and shape, das what I say."

(after)

Her: "You neck is hairy, I shave? It look very clean."

Me: "Yes, that would be great, thank you."

(after)

Her: "I do eye brows? You look good, get job."

Me: "Uh, yeah, sounds good."

(after)

Her: "I use beard oil? It make it shiny. You look handsome!"

Me: "Yeah, sure."

(after)

Her: "I shave ears. Looks funny."

Me: "I don't want to look funny."

Her: "Yeah yeah, I fix."

(after)

Her: "I use hot towel, open pores, good for skin."

Me: "okay."

(after)

Her: "I rub your shoulders?"

Me: "I'm good, thanks,"

Her: "No, I rub shoulders, you relax, do good in interview."

Me: "No, really, I'm fine."

Her: "No, I do it, you get job, you thank me."

Me: "Thank you."

Her: "No, you thank me later, after you get job."

(after)

Her: "Okay, you done!"

Me: "Great! What do I owe you?"

Her: "$25.00"

Me: "I thought it was $10.00."

Her: "You get deluxe package. Neck shave, hot towel, oil, ......"

Me: "I GET IT!"

$30.00 later, I walked out, laughing as I realized I just had my very own Anjelah Johnson moment.

Ladies, now I get it! I feel your pain! The funny part is, I'll go back to her in two weeks and go through it all over again.  

My Apology to Everyone

Dear Followers, Facebook Friends, Friends, Family, and anyone who has happened upon my blog!

I voted today. After months of getting angry, railing, bitching, and moaning, I completed my ballot! I selected my choice for President, voted for/against some of the propositions, ignored the one's I knew nothing about, sealed the envelope and placed it in the mailbox. I am done!

After my selections were made, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I made my decision and, with that, everything I saw on Facebook and mainstream media no longer seemed to matter. My head was clear and my thoughts were succinct. Colors seemed brighter and food tasted better. I heard the sounds of nature that I tuned out for the past few months and life seemed better. All was fine until I reflected on my actions over the course of this years election and realized...I've been an asshole.

Dear Arrogant College Student!

If you really want a true representation of the people that make up our society, skip Facebook and become an Über driver. Whereas Your Facebook feed is largely comprised of your "friends" that commonly share your political and societal leanings, and the ability to block those that have opposing viewpoints, Über has no filters. You genuinely have ZERO idea of what you are getting yourself into, and once there, you're stuck!The worst? Being stuck with a college student.